E.G. Sebastian - America's Peaceful Communication Messenger

A few days ago I heard an interesting quote that sounded something along the lines of "Never argue with an idiot - if someone is watching, they might not know who's the bigger idiot."

A good argument, at times, can be really good and even productive. But the stress is on "at times". Most arguments can be avoided and are totally unnecessary. I pride myself in having no more than 5 to 10 slight arguments per year with my wife, and as a manager I lost my temper or entered in an argument no more than 10 times in 15 years.

The secret?
It takes two to argue. It is really hard to argue by yourself. So whenever someone approaches me with a challenging issue and high emotions, I'll say "Let's talk about this. Please tell me what's really going on ?" And I'd offer a chair... Then once I hear the problem, I rephrase it to make sure that I got a good understanding of what's going on. Then I ask "What do you think would be the best way to deal with this?" and "How can I support you?" and I (REALLY) listen.

Warning! When the speaker directs personal attacks towards you in his/her narration of the perceived problem, resist the temptation to get in defensive mode and snap back. Stay calm and objective and repeat back what you heard, including the "So you think that I made a mistake and that's one of the reasons we have the situation at hand, correct?" And regardless of the answer STAY CALM and go on with your clarifying questions on how could this situation be rectified.

And, yes, you are right, it doesn't always work. Some people just want to shout and argue; but if you do not allow them to pull you into the argument, you can still avoid the "war" and get out of the situation with less than half of the stress.

Self-control is the key. After all, we are not some wild beasts in the jungle, right? We should be able to control our urge to fight. As one of my gurus said many years ago "Between the stimulus and your response to it there's always a fraction of a second when you can decide whether to fight or to keep your cool [or run]. " We always have at least two options: fight or stay calm and try to resolve it like beeings with some gray matter/brain in our had. Don't let other control your emotions! Take pride in you being the one in control.

Pride, the desire to win, and the fear to lose - are three of the most common reasons why we allow ourselves to get sucked into arguments. But in the long run, it is better to lose some less important fights and swallow our pride in order to maintain your sanity, physical health, avoid unnecessary stress, and most of all to keep a professional image. Doing this will create a perception of you being in charge of your emotions and being someone stable and reliable. And the beauty of it is that it is highly contagious - after a while some who'll see you handling situations in the above described manner, will start modeling you, soon creating a whole team of calm, team players.

It all starts with one person taking charge and showing the way. Now what is that if not a display of true leadership?

According to an article in Training Magazine (February 2006), 35% of managers and supervisors fail in their leadership position due to poor communication skills. (The survey was released by Development Dimensions International, a Bridgeville, PA based workforce management consultancy firm. The survey included 4,559 leaders and 944 human resources representatives from 42 countries and 36 industries. 61% of the industries surveyed had more than 1000 employees; and information was collected from December 2004 to April 2005. To read the complete 40-page survey results, Click Here! )

What's interesting to note in this survey is that the top three leadership competencies have to do with communication, such as (1) displaying interpersonal qualities (adaptability), (2) helping others achieve goals (Building a Successful Team), [and] (3) interacting with others (Communication) (pg. 14).

So, if communication skills have such great importance in being a successful leader, what is it that one can do to improve? Here are 5 tips to start with:

1. Take a conscious effort to listen - really listen!Effective communicators are first of all good listeners.
Surveys have consistently showed that more than 50% of employees feel that management does not listen to them. And what we often forget is that lower level supervisors and employees are the ones who are in the forefront of the business and they might have information that could be crucial to be heard. Listening is not simply keeping quite while the other person talks (and perhaps thinking of what to say once the other person stops talking), but rather giving full attention to the other person and following up with appropriate questions, such as
 Let me see if I got this right? (then rephrase what you've just heard)
 Tell me more!"
 How can I support you in resolving this issue/challenge?
 Do you have any suggestions to improve this?
 What do you think is the source of this problem?

2. Validate employees (or coworkers) concerns!
What might seem like an insignificant issue to you, it could be perceived by someone else as something crucial or worrisome. Instead of diminishing the concern being voiced (which always leaves the other person hurt and with the feeling of not being understood - reply with something like "I really understand your concern, I thought of it the same way when I encountered this situation for the first time (or, at first this seems scarry for many). This is what helped me (helped others) get over my innitial resistance/fears/worry/etc. "

3. Show your appreciation for the accomplishments and efforts of your employees and coworkers.
A Thank You or a You are doing a great job! goes a long way and it definitely ads to the person's job satisfaction. Another way to express appreciation is through providing certificates of accomplishments, or whenever possible and appropriate, give a monetary bonus or some other perks. Employees who don't get at least occasional verbal feedback from their superiors and/or coworkers, rely on guesswork on how they are actually doing. Praise, and possibly reward, accomplishments and good efforts!

4. Trust in the abilities of your employees or coworkers and verbalize it!
Most people want to do a great job and, if given a chance, will do so. Many managers and supervisors fall in the trap of micromanaging or trying to do everything on their own, requesting only supportive role from subordinates. Communicate what exactly do you want done and by when do you want it done. It is always a good idea to send instructions either by E-mail or in a hard copy and then ask if the task is clear and weather they need to discuss any part of the assignment. And take those 30 seconds to tell the employee how great they did last time on "that project" and tell them you know that they'll do a great job with this assignment too. 5. Wach your body language!What do you do when someone is talking to you? Do you shuffle through papers, type on your laptop, or busy looking at what others around you are doing? You will be perceived as a much more effective communicator when you
○ keep eye contact with the speaker
○ project an appropriate facial expression (some people tend to carry a constant frown, or angry look, or a constant ssmile (which, by the way, can come accross as fake at times) - adapt your facial expression to the occasion.
○ keep your hands relaxed (do not fold them on your chest, behind your head, play with objects, etc.)

6. Invest in learning to understand your behavioral type and recognize other's behavioral types.
Ever since Hippocrates (460 b.c.) we know that there are four basic personality types, and this is supported by current research as well. Great communicators understand themselves and have a basic understanding of why others behave the way they do.

There are many great valid and reliable assessments and some great personality/behavioral system courses on the market today. One of my favorites is the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator, which can give the person a great deal of insight into one's personality. My other favorite is the DISC assessment, which is much less time consuming to take and it gives the person a great insight and understanding of why one behaves the way they do; it also highlights strength and weaknesses, as well as gives suggestions on how to overcome some of the weaknesses and become more productive. Another advantage of the DISC assessment is that the assessment results include an overview of the other behavioral types. To view a comparison between the Myers-Brigs Type Indicator and the DISC assessment, Click Here!

An easy way to get familiar with different behavioral types is to take the free 7-Part DISC E-course available at www.egsebastian.com, or (as mentioned in my previous post) you can also view a short description of behavioral types within a sample assessment, starting on page 13 - http://j.b5z.net/i/u/2055788/i/DISC_Classic_Sample_Report.pdf/.Or if you are really committed to improving your communication skills, take the DiSCŽ Classic 2.0 assessment online. And because you are such an avid reader of my blog, you'll get it at 25% discount (I doubt it that you'll find a better deal anywhere else). But regardless whether you take me on my offer, or you take it somewhere else, do invest in taking the DISC assessment.

Do you want see a sample DISC report? Click here: http://j.b5z.net/i/u/2055788/i/DISC_Classic_Sample_Report.pdf/

Click here to take the DiSC 2.0 at 25% discount!($18.75 vs. the regular $25.00)

7. Invest in a communication coach or mentor.The same article mentioned at the top of this posting, explains that 51% of the surveyed leaders reported that they have used either a coach or mentor to improve their leadership and/or communication skills, and 91% of those who who did use a mentor or coach found it either highly or moderately beneficial to their careers.One way to find a good mentor or coach is through referrals. Find out if anyone around you knows a good communications coach. Your chameber of commerce could be a good source for getting a referral or visit the International Coaching Federation's website.To check whether E.G. is currently accepting new coaching clients, e-mail him at info@egsebastian.com.

And if you do not want to invest in a professional coach, you can always ask someone you trust to monitor your communication style and behavior and give you honest feedback on anything that they perceive as non-productive or simply "wacky." Just be prepared to accept what you hear and do not allow it to negatively affect your relationship with this person. And if you hear something that you doubt, ask others that you trust about the same issue.
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It's been probably said many times, but it's true! Communication is just like any other skill - just like learning to play the piano, or learning a foreign language - it can be learned and it can always be improved upon. So adopt some - and hopefully all - of the above tips and commit to becoming as great of a communicator as you can possibly become. This is one area of your life that you don't want to neglect. Improving your communication skills will make a BIIIIIIIG difference in your professional and personal life - guarranteed!

Elements of Effective Communication - Leadership vs. Arguing with an Idiot :)

7 Tips to Improve your Communication Skills